The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost.  ~Arthur Schopenhauer

After experiencing some major losses in my life: my father, my brother, my best friend, my grandmother, grandfather, another very close friend, and my 15 and a half year old dog, I feel like I have been through hell and can honestly give some good advice. Grief affects your mental capacity to make sound decisions.  This link connects to a blog that explains everything clearly. Here is an excerpt from it that I relate to:

Even if you can push past your apathy on occasion, you are likely to find that your ability to think is greatly diminished. It is normal to be confused and not be able to focus on things. You might feel like you are in a fog and just cannot think clearly. Mental capacity following a death is reduced – plain and simple. There is not a lot to be done about it and no sense of making it worse by beating yourself up for not being able to function at your usual level. You have a bad injury and your brain is affected – recovery will happen but it will take some time.

So, grief is reflected in our feelings and it impairs our mental processes – is there more? You bet. Grief affects every aspect of our being – no part of our life escapes the suffering that comes with a death.

My friends and family have been unconditionally supportive through this trying time for me. It’s been harrowing to say the least. As I search on google for support for my grieving, I realize that two great losses, not so far apart can really send you on a tailspin of hurt- which I have felt for some time now.

You must be gentle and patient with yourself, and not try to escape those feelings by doing things you wouldn’t normally do, in your right frame of mind.

4. Develop a support system for your grief.

“You think you are doing OK and then out of nowhere, the dark clouds hover once more. Grief needs to talk, to cry and to remember. Decide which relatives and friends will truly listen to your grief. Develop a support system of people who will be there for you when you have the need to pour your heart out.

During this time of sorrow, you may not have the energy or desire to deal with new people or situations. It is not uncommon to wait six months to a year after the death of a loved one to seek professional help, but experience has taught us that there is much to be gained from support. At the very least, you can get information now for later use.”

This is very important as you can turn to people who aren’t supportive, and from what I know, many people in times of great stress, and grief make poor decisions about who and how they spend their time because you are so desperate to escape your reality.

This is an excerpt from an article on pet loss:

I’m losing my mind. Is that normal, too?

Yup. Many people (especially ones without dogs) don’t understand that dog lovers experience real, strong grief when they lose their dogs. They may give their condolences upon first hearing of your loss, but may not realize that you continue to be in pain as time goes on, and wonder why you are still crying, irritable, or otherwise ‘not yourself’ as time passes. You may wonder, yourself, whether you are going crazy. Here are some cognitive symptoms of grief, from J. Shep Jeffrey’s book, “Helping Grieving People” (2007, Kindle Locations 1462-1480):

• Responding sluggishly to questions
• Difficulty concentrating
• Loss of interest in usual activities—work, sports, games, collecting, social clubs,
• General numbness—shutdown of reactions to social stimuli, no pain, and no joy
• Intrusive thoughts about the loss—constant barrage of thoughts
• Confusion and disorientation—difficulty with time sequences, location
• A sense of futility about life—”What’s the use?” and “Why bother?”
• A sense of helplessness—”Can’t do anything to help myself”
• Uncertainty about identity—”Who am I now?” and “How do I present myself to others now?”
• So-called “crazy” thoughts—hearing or seeing the lost loved one; feeling like they can communicate with them
• Mental fatigue—too tired to figure things out, mind just won’t work

Things I experienced over and over again, pacing from room to room not knowing what to do with myself as I spent so much time caring for my pet.

A panicky, anxious feeling accompanies the sadness and helplessness and makes it hard, if not impossible, to carry out daily tasks. You may find yourself wandering aimlessly around a room picking up objects without thinking or pacing in agitation with the thought, “I can’t live like this.” You may avoid activities that brought you pleasure before, particularly those that remind you of your loved one.

Since I had a compound loss within a short period of time, my brother and my dog, I was told by a psychologist that the grief over my brother and dog combined was a reactivation of all the loss, which was debilitating.

I am glad to report that by making changes and being sure I am around people who love and care about me, I am doing much better. Grieving is a confusing, and horrible experience. You operate at 50% best case scenario, and me, I operated on less. Devastated, broken and more sad than I ever felt resulted in me not being able to see clearly. I will keep my trusted long time companion family and friends close, as they are ever so loving and understanding of the pain, and staying far from others until I am able to make better choices is the way of my future.

Thank you to all my compatriots who have given unconditional support, kindness and tirelessly listened to my Roxie stories, and me questioning so much about myself and life! I am grateful beyond measure.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”
― Fred Rogers